I had previously posted about friendship, about how I had lost whom I thought was my best friend, and about how I had felt that I had no friends.
🎶🎵Something has changed within me~
I can honestly say that right now, my thoughts about friendship has changed.
One of the things I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a best friend. Beyond my partner, whom I am actually open with about everything, friends are just people I need to make my days less boring, to talk to when I have thoughts I wanna discuss, to spend time and dine with, to get encouragements from when I feel down, and to have some to cry to and vent to when life happens.
I’ve stopped looking for a BFF because labeling just one, creates a hierarchy in my mind. A list ranking my friends, if they fit the characteristics and if the boxes on my list above were being ticked. It makes me stop being a friend, and start being the parasite that I am.
I ask what they do for me, what they can offer me, what their friendship would mean to me if I continue being a friend to them. All the others who don’t reciprocate my efforts are branded in my mind, that they don’t really like me, or that they don’t really see me as a friend. I forget that they also need and expect the same things from me.
This kind of thinking was unhealthy. I know that now. It defeats the true purpose of friendship, which is to share a part of yourself to others so that they may feel loved and cherished. Or at least, that is what friendship means to me.
I noticed that some people have multiple best friends. They aren’t just in the same squad, some have a childhood bff, middle/highschool bff, a workplace bff, and a neighbor bff. I do not presume to understand how that works, and I am aware that others can make that work which is good for them, but I do not want to do the same.
One of the reasons is that I have always held the term “BFF/best friend” highly, because for me, it was supposed to be given to the best (hence its name?). (You can assume that I maybe saying this because I don’t really have a best friend, that I am just a lonely person dripping with social anxiety and bitterness, and that’s okay. Maybe that is true.)
But all I want to believe in is that I have friends and they are all important to me. They may not always remember me. That’s okay, I don’t always make my presence felt either. Some of them talk behind my back, telling other people about how they really feel about me, and that’s okay too. That shouldn’t change the fact that they are important to me. I feel like, other people’s way of treating me shouldn’t change how I treat them. I shouldn’t stop loving a person just because they don’t love me equally.
I want to be the friend that you can call when no one is there for you. That one friend you forgot you have. That one friend you didn’t know you had. That one friend who’ll stay even though you don’t see each other much. Or at least, I try to be.
Even though I crave the love and care of a BFF (I won’t deny that), I am content with being just a friend. Or at least, I am trying to.