Blog 28/52 Another Crossroad

As I approach my 25th year (turned 24 last June but you know “technically” I’m getting there), I feel like I have hit a point in my life where everything just stops. And there’s a crossroad.

Two years ago, I was repeatedly asking life to just pause. And in a way, it did. However, I realized that pausing my life didn’t do me good. I still didn’t get the rest I need. I didn’t really pause. I was still working. I was still feeling guilty every time I try to do something recreational. I still feel like I should be doing something to earn or to improve my skills.

While my friends are out partying or just going with their friends, I was at home. Either doing chores, browsing social media, reading a book or streaming a TV show. I mean, I kind of enjoyed doing those, but whenever “people” tell me I should go out, I begin to doubt myself. I start to think that maybe I’m wasting my life.

But the thing is, I actually don’t like going out. It’s starting to irritate me as I feel like I HAVE TO go out. When in actuality, I really didn’t want to. They make me doubt the things I do. Am I wasting my life if I don’t go out with friends? Is it wrong to just stay home where there’s a soft bed, cuddly pillows and a fuzzy blanket?

I recently started following a page about being unbusy. It promotes unplugging and taking time to just be. However, I’m still uncertain if I agree with everything, especially the part where they say I must go experience nature. I mean I like nature — the stars, the smell of fresh air, those kinda things — but I don’t exactly love camping in the woods. I have lived almost my whole life with trees and plants and mosquitos. No, thank you.

Then comes the part where I realize I don’t need to listen to anyone. I don’t have to follow anyone’s advice. That I can just be myself and do what I enjoy. But what if the things I enjoy doesn’t make me “improve” myself? Should I continue being myself or should I follow others’ advice?

Dammit. Life is so complicated.

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