Blog 27/52 Social Anxiety and Depression

I am afraid.

They don’t see it. But I find it hard to face people. At times, I don’t even want to face me.

It’s easy to say that I should go out and have fun. It’s easy to say that whatever I feel can be solved by being healthy and exercising, and going out. But the problem is, I don’t want to?

It’s funny. At times, I don’t even believe myself. I think I’m a fraud. I think maybe I’m just faking this. Maybe I’m just pretending to feel this way. I’m just joining the bandwagon that is social anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s the FOMO talking. You know, ‘coz it’s mainstream right now.

What if?

Story time!

So I was browsing through my Facebook feed and came across a highlights video of the controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. I am telling you, it was so heavy. I am upset and I feel stressed. I feel like a cotton ball absorbing all the things I saw. I feel so down? This incident only confirms my decision not to watch the show. It has nothing to do with the quality of the show. I’m sure it’s good. It’s so good, I’m affected even just by watching a short highlights video.

I know something is wrong with me. But I’m afraid to know exactly what.

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Blog 24/52 My Online Community

Following a breakdown, I felt like I needed some people to talk to and to help me with stuff I wanna achieve. Hence the start of my journey in finding my online community.

I’ve joined some communities that have really helped me reach some of my goals as well as helped me virtually find some good friends.

1. WordPress Blogging Community

 

I found great bloggers here, (particularly @anisakazemi from iaccidentlyatethewholething.com) and seeing their posts inspires me to write more blogs and explore more topics. ❤️

2. NaNoWriMoCampNanoWriMo

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I’ve always wanted to write a fantasy book. Thanks to NaNoWriMo, I’m now on the process of doing so.

Now, while I wait for November 2017, Camp NaNoWriMo is here to save me.

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3. 10 Minute Novelists

I found this Facebook group by accident, but I found some writer friends there (albeit online). I feel happy to have found good souls even from across the globe. I’ve learned here that when you want to write, even 10 minutes is enough.

4. 365 Writing Club

This community is a subgroup of the 10MN. They help me stay on track and try my best to write daily.

I earned last month’s badge for hitting my monthly quota.

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It’s a small thing but being rewarded (even though it’s just a badge) for writing a certain number of words excites me.

I virtually met a few cool people here, too.

5. Online Filipino Freelancers

This community had been a great help when I was starting as an online freelancer. Although our views about things weren’t always on the same page, I’ve learned a lot from the members and I’m very thankful.

6. Fandom pages over Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Since joining these fandom communities, I felt like the real me was freed. I was able to fangirl freely. I didn’t have to hold back because I knew there were other people like me who loves the characters/show/movie/book and understands the need to post/rant about them regularly.

I’ve yet to meet enough people online to fill my online friend capacity. I like that meeting people can now be done at home, or anywhere really. Finding kindred souls is easier now and I dare you to go find people who likes the sames things you do!

#TeamInternet

 

Blog 21/52 Friendship: Why I stopped looking for a BFF

I had previously posted about friendship, about how I had lost whom I thought was my best friend, and about how I had felt that I had no friends. 

🎶🎵Something has changed within me~

I can honestly say that right now, my thoughts about friendship has changed. 

One of the things I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a best friend. Beyond my partner, whom I am actually open with about everything, friends are just people I need to make my days less boring, to talk to when I have thoughts I wanna discuss, to spend time and dine with, to get encouragements from when I feel down, and to have some to cry to and vent to when life happens. 

I’ve stopped looking for a BFF because labeling just one, creates a hierarchy in my mind. A list ranking my friends, if they fit the characteristics and if the boxes on my list above were being ticked. It makes me stop being a friend, and start being the parasite that I am. 

I ask what they do for me, what they can offer me, what their friendship would mean to me if I continue being a friend to them. All the others who don’t reciprocate my efforts are branded in my mind, that they don’t really like me, or that they don’t really see me as a friend. I forget that they also need and expect the same things from me.  

This kind of thinking was unhealthy. I know that now. It defeats the true purpose of friendship, which is to share a part of yourself to others so that they may feel loved and cherished. Or at least, that is what friendship means to me. 

I noticed that some people have multiple best friends. They aren’t just in the same squad, some have a childhood bff, middle/highschool bff, a workplace bff, and a neighbor bff. I do not presume to understand how that works, and I am aware that others can make that work which is good for them, but I do not want to do the same. 

One of the reasons is that I have always held the term “BFF/best friend” highly, because for me, it was supposed to be given to the best (hence its name?). (You can assume that I maybe saying this because I don’t really have a best friend, that I am just a lonely person dripping with social anxiety and bitterness, and that’s okay. Maybe that is true.) 

But all I want to believe in is that I have friends and they are all important to me. They may not always remember me. That’s okay, I don’t always make my presence felt either. Some of them talk behind my back, telling other people about how they really feel about me, and that’s okay too. That shouldn’t change the fact that they are important to me. I feel like, other people’s way of treating me shouldn’t change how I treat them. I shouldn’t stop loving a person just because they don’t love me equally. 

I want to be the friend that you can call when no one is there for you. That one friend you forgot you have. That one friend you didn’t know you had. That one friend who’ll stay even though you don’t see each other much. Or at least, I try to be.

Even though I crave the love and care of a BFF (I won’t deny that), I am content with being just a friend. Or at least, I am trying to. 

Blog 20/52 Connecting the Dots

I’m quite excited as I am able to construct a bit of a structure for my story. I’m still on the planning stages but I am very excited about it.

I’m connecting  the dots regarding my MC’s background as well as her family’s. It’s nice to finally be able to come up with something. Hopefully this goes a long way.

I hope the book I’ll produce will have some readers/admirers along the way. My goal is for people to actually read it and like it as well as be excited about it. Hopefully.

It’s here, BTW, should anyone want to read about it. It’s an ongoing series at Tapas.io (a Wattpad-type of platform for comics and novels.)

 

Blog 19/52 Weekends

It’s so ironic that I felt stuck writing with this certain prompt: Weekends.

It’s ironic to spend so many weekends crying about how much I can’t think of anything interesting to write about this specific keyword.

Those weekends I could have spent writing about other things…

Those weekends I could have used to write about the other days of the week…

Those weekends where I stared at a blank page, trying to come up with something and end up just sleeping…

Those days I kept on postponing because I can’t makemyself write anything…

Ironic.

Book 3/52 Angels & Demons by Dan Brown Review

I know I’m so late in completing this challenge. But I’m still hoping to finish 52 books this year so… I’m so glad when I finished this book. Also, it’s soooooo deep and the story is so interesting.

So this book is about the adventure of Robert Langdon across Europe, specifically in Rome. It involves a whole lot about symbology, the Catholic church, science and the Illuminati.

Here are some quotes I’d like to react to:

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I agree with this. Most Christian religions are based on the Bible. Even Islam is based on a book called Quran. I believe that religions are connected and some of the beliefs are actually intertwined.

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This actually makes a lot of sense. I am aware that some holidays we celebrate as Christians are based off of pagan cultures, like Easter, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. Early conquerors are very smart for “transmuting”.

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I also believe that people don’t have to kill to be called terrorists. As long as they are working to cause terror and fear, they are terrorists in my eyes.

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I agree. This is why I believe that there is no correct religion. What’s important is your relationship with God.

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This also makes sense. I even had a theory that God is the universe. He is fate, he is destiny. He decides about your fate but it was done long ago. Hence, what you call predetermination.

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Exactly!!! I believe that God’s mind is so brilliant we can’t comprehend.

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We all search for meaning, just in different ways and approaches.

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When we believe that there is someone guiding us, we feel safer and more secure that we aren’t lost and that there is something for us in the future.

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This is a great theory. And it makes sense especially when you think about how the prophets, wise men like Buddha as well as Jesus Christ likes to meditate.

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Technically, we are. We are all made up of atoms and those atoms brush up each other at some points.

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This is because religion is manmade, which means it’s with loopholes. I believe that the Bible is a guide but we shouldn’t follow it word for word as it’s only another person’s interpretations of God’s message.

I remember that this series was controversial and was said to make you question your beliefs. However, I have been enlightened, actually. Some things makes more sense now. I’m not using this book as a Bible or anything. It just made me feel more confident in my beliefs and my theories because I now know that someone else out there agrees with me.

Also, the book doesn’t make you go against the church. It makes you question if you are following the rituals because they make sense or because of blind idolatry. And I think that’s the beauty of it — having the freedom to evaluate yourself and your beliefs. God gave us free will and intelligence so that we can figure out what is moral and what is good.

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Crossroads

I feel that right now, I’m at a crossroads. I see an opportunity to apply as a part-time English teacher. I’m hesitant to take it because I really don’t want to teach. I have my dream job right now which is to be an editor.

I’m currently a freelance editor, and business is okay. Not THAT successful but not bad either. I mean, it’s already a business. It’s just that I wanna expand and I’m not sure how?

Maybe I should hire a marketing staff? Or learn about marketing? I want more clients but I need more writers. But writers want higher salary, which I cannot give yet as I don’t have many clients. It just goes around in a circle.

I want to be able to offer a more competitive pay, but I’m not capable yet. So I’m not sure how to deal with that.

I feel guilty being interested in applying for the job as it feels like I’m betraying myself. I only want to earn more.

 

 

Blog 16/52 The Past

I’ve been thinking about my “past” for a few days now. Things I did when I was a kid (like literally 5 – 12 years old), that are so embarrassing, so wrong, or just plain irrational. Or the things that happened in my teenage years. I have a lot of demons. Some I face, some I run from.

Alice Cooper Riverdale Season 1 Finale Quote
Alice Cooper (to Betty), Riverdale, S1E13: Chapter Thirteen: The Sweet Hereafter

Despite it all, I can’t change what has already occurred. Even if I get my hands on a time machine, I can’t change them as it may change the life I have now. I’ve always said that I stand by the things I do. As I won’t do them if I don’t believe in them. Yet, these things I did, bring me shame and guilt.

It’s hard to let go of it. Of all the guilt (and shame). I try but it ain’t easy. So how do we let go of the past?

IHMO, it should start with the truth.

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I loved this quote from #Daddy Fred Andrews. You have to be honest with yourself and with others. You must free yourself from lies so that it doesn’t overwhelm you. Stop lying and start living with the truth.

And then, face the past. Come clean and try to admit everything. Even just to yourself.

Here’s another quote from Fred Andrews that relates to me so much.

Fred Andrews (to Archie), Riverdale, S1E2: Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil

I agree with Fred. To make sure you don’t have to run from your past, you have to face it head on. No matter what the cost, the truth will always be worth it in the end. 

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Flashbacks and Panic Attacks [100th post]

The last time I had a panic attack, it was the first time it had felt that intense. I was literally doing a facedesk. I was afraid of what I was doing yet I can’t stop myself from doing so. It’s like I had an out-of-body experience. It was unnerving. I was bawling my eyes out and was very afraid of what I might do.

I wanted to share about it immediately after it happened, but I felt like this kind of things are taboo. That if I tell people, friends and family, that I’m experiencing this, they’ll think I’m crazy or that I’m making it up. I feel like they will tell me to tough it up and just not think about it. Thinking about it now, it seems like just paranoia.

To be honest, I don’t know what is happening. I’m not sure what to think about it. At one point, I was asking myself if I was faking it. On the other hand, I knew I didn’t. Then, earlier today, I was talking to my cousin and I just became very emotional and cried. #WTFisWrongWithMe

Then, I just felt very detached and I just wanted to lie down and cry and eat. I mean, is this PMS?

 

Blog 10/52 Speaking of Kids

So my grandma told me I should have babies soon so that she’ll still be alive to see her great-grandkids. Like it’s that easy. Like I don’t have things to consider before making that big decision. Like it was her call to decide when I should be making babies. I’m not mad at her or anything, (I love her.) I’m just disappointed that she thought it was her call. She said I was being selfish for not sharing this part of my life with them (Read: for not obeying their advice). (My “wedding” plans are another story.)

So I just wanted to share these. Maybe it’ll help people in understanding. These are some of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids yet.

1. I don’t think my partner and I are ready financially.

Having a kid is a great responsibility. I don’t want it to be an accident. I want to want it when they come into my life. I want to tell my partner without hesitation. I want to be ready and I want to give my future kids the things and opportunities I didn’t have as a kid. My mom raised me to be a very calculative of the things I do, and I think this is one of the things that I really have to be calculative about.

My partner and I wanted to have enough money saved before going that direction. We don’t want to get loans and drown in debt just because we didn’t plan things.

2. I am not sure if I’m mentally stable to handle kids.

My younger cousins know this (I’m an only child.), I always tell them to shut up when I’m not in the mood to listen to them babble. I told them that when I am ready for them, I will talk to them.

However, even if this worked on them, I don’t think it’ll work on a toddler, much less a crying baby. I can’t tell my crying baby to “shut up, I’m trying to sleep. ”

And in response to this, people always tell me, “You only say that because you aren’t a mom yet. When you have kids, you’ll change.” And I’m like FU, you don’t know that. You don’t know me. I have the right to be afraid and you can’t just disregard my fear. I know I’m not ready AND I WILL HAVE BABIES WHEN I’M READY!

3. I’m afraid to give birth.

Another reason I’m afraid is because I’m afraid of my vagina tearing. Upon doing some “research”, the vagina “technically” tears (or is cut by the doctor) when a woman gives birth. I’m afraid of that. If my dysmenorrhea taught me something, it’s that that kind of pain is so great, I might pass out.

And you know, just the thought of my skin tearing? Or being cut? And sewn back? *cringe*

4. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

Having kids is such a huge responsibility, I don’t think I’ll ever do it. But, you know, maybe I will. I like how cute kids are, especially the babies and the toddlers. But it’s different when it’s not yours. When it starts crying you can give it back to the parents. You aren’t the one needing to wake up in the middle of the night to shush and rock it back to sleep.

And in my opinion, a person can’t turn back from being an adult the moment she has a kid. And I am not very good at adulting. I mean, I try. but I’m not sure that’s enough to get an A+ in Adulting 101.

Do you think the same? Tell me in the comments?

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