Blog 20/52 Connecting the Dots

I’m quite excited as I am able to construct a bit of a structure for my story. I’m still on the planning stages but I am very excited about it.

I’m connecting  the dots regarding my MC’s background as well as her family’s. It’s nice to finally be able to come up with something. Hopefully this goes a long way.

I hope the book I’ll produce will have some readers/admirers along the way. My goal is for people to actually read it and like it as well as be excited about it. Hopefully.

It’s here, BTW, should anyone want to read about it. It’s an ongoing series at Tapas.io (a Wattpad-type of platform for comics and novels.)

 

Blog 19/52 Weekends

It’s so ironic that I felt stuck writing with this certain prompt: Weekends.

It’s ironic to spend so many weekends crying about how much I can’t think of anything interesting to write about this specific keyword.

Those weekends I could have spent writing about other things…

Those weekends I could have used to write about the other days of the week…

Those weekends where I stared at a blank page, trying to come up with something and end up just sleeping…

Those days I kept on postponing because I can’t makemyself write anything…

Ironic.

Crossroads

I feel that right now, I’m at a crossroads. I see an opportunity to apply as a part-time English teacher. I’m hesitant to take it because I really don’t want to teach. I have my dream job right now which is to be an editor.

I’m currently a freelance editor, and business is okay. Not THAT successful but not bad either. I mean, it’s already a business. It’s just that I wanna expand and I’m not sure how?

Maybe I should hire a marketing staff? Or learn about marketing? I want more clients but I need more writers. But writers want higher salary, which I cannot give yet as I don’t have many clients. It just goes around in a circle.

I want to be able to offer a more competitive pay, but I’m not capable yet. So I’m not sure how to deal with that.

I feel guilty being interested in applying for the job as it feels like I’m betraying myself. I only want to earn more.

 

 

Blog 16/52 The Past

I’ve been thinking about my “past” for a few days now. Things I did when I was a kid (like literally 5 – 12 years old), that are so embarrassing, so wrong, or just plain irrational. Or the things that happened in my teenage years. I have a lot of demons. Some I face, some I run from.

Alice Cooper Riverdale Season 1 Finale Quote
Alice Cooper (to Betty), Riverdale, S1E13: Chapter Thirteen: The Sweet Hereafter

Despite it all, I can’t change what has already occurred. Even if I get my hands on a time machine, I can’t change them as it may change the life I have now. I’ve always said that I stand by the things I do. As I won’t do them if I don’t believe in them. Yet, these things I did, bring me shame and guilt.

It’s hard to let go of it. Of all the guilt (and shame). I try but it ain’t easy. So how do we let go of the past?

IHMO, it should start with the truth.

Fred Andrews Quote 1

I loved this quote from #Daddy Fred Andrews. You have to be honest with yourself and with others. You must free yourself from lies so that it doesn’t overwhelm you. Stop lying and start living with the truth.

And then, face the past. Come clean and try to admit everything. Even just to yourself.

Here’s another quote from Fred Andrews that relates to me so much.

Fred Andrews (to Archie), Riverdale, S1E2: Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil

I agree with Fred. To make sure you don’t have to run from your past, you have to face it head on. No matter what the cost, the truth will always be worth it in the end. 

imageedit_2_8296382009

Flashbacks and Panic Attacks [100th post]

The last time I had a panic attack, it was the first time it had felt that intense. I was literally doing a facedesk. I was afraid of what I was doing yet I can’t stop myself from doing so. It’s like I had an out-of-body experience. It was unnerving. I was bawling my eyes out and was very afraid of what I might do.

I wanted to share about it immediately after it happened, but I felt like this kind of things are taboo. That if I tell people, friends and family, that I’m experiencing this, they’ll think I’m crazy or that I’m making it up. I feel like they will tell me to tough it up and just not think about it. Thinking about it now, it seems like just paranoia.

To be honest, I don’t know what is happening. I’m not sure what to think about it. At one point, I was asking myself if I was faking it. On the other hand, I knew I didn’t. Then, earlier today, I was talking to my cousin and I just became very emotional and cried. #WTFisWrongWithMe

Then, I just felt very detached and I just wanted to lie down and cry and eat. I mean, is this PMS?

 

Blog 10/52 Speaking of Kids

So my grandma told me I should have babies soon so that she’ll still be alive to see her great-grandkids. Like it’s that easy. Like I don’t have things to consider before making that big decision. Like it was her call to decide when I should be making babies. I’m not mad at her or anything, (I love her.) I’m just disappointed that she thought it was her call. She said I was being selfish for not sharing this part of my life with them (Read: for not obeying their advice). (My “wedding” plans are another story.)

So I just wanted to share these. Maybe it’ll help people in understanding. These are some of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids yet.

1. I don’t think my partner and I are ready financially.

Having a kid is a great responsibility. I don’t want it to be an accident. I want to want it when they come into my life. I want to tell my partner without hesitation. I want to be ready and I want to give my future kids the things and opportunities I didn’t have as a kid. My mom raised me to be a very calculative of the things I do, and I think this is one of the things that I really have to be calculative about.

My partner and I wanted to have enough money saved before going that direction. We don’t want to get loans and drown in debt just because we didn’t plan things.

2. I am not sure if I’m mentally stable to handle kids.

My younger cousins know this (I’m an only child.), I always tell them to shut up when I’m not in the mood to listen to them babble. I told them that when I am ready for them, I will talk to them.

However, even if this worked on them, I don’t think it’ll work on a toddler, much less a crying baby. I can’t tell my crying baby to “shut up, I’m trying to sleep. ”

And in response to this, people always tell me, “You only say that because you aren’t a mom yet. When you have kids, you’ll change.” And I’m like FU, you don’t know that. You don’t know me. I have the right to be afraid and you can’t just disregard my fear. I know I’m not ready AND I WILL HAVE BABIES WHEN I’M READY!

3. I’m afraid to give birth.

Another reason I’m afraid is because I’m afraid of my vagina tearing. Upon doing some “research”, the vagina “technically” tears (or is cut by the doctor) when a woman gives birth. I’m afraid of that. If my dysmenorrhea taught me something, it’s that that kind of pain is so great, I might pass out.

And you know, just the thought of my skin tearing? Or being cut? And sewn back? *cringe*

4. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

Having kids is such a huge responsibility, I don’t think I’ll ever do it. But, you know, maybe I will. I like how cute kids are, especially the babies and the toddlers. But it’s different when it’s not yours. When it starts crying you can give it back to the parents. You aren’t the one needing to wake up in the middle of the night to shush and rock it back to sleep.

And in my opinion, a person can’t turn back from being an adult the moment she has a kid. And I am not very good at adulting. I mean, I try. but I’m not sure that’s enough to get an A+ in Adulting 101.

Do you think the same? Tell me in the comments?

imageedit_2_8296382009

Blog 8/52 A Day in the Life

According to Wikipedia, “A Day in the Life” is a song by the English band, Beatles.

Here’s the lyrics:

I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph.

He blew his mind out in a car
He didn’t notice that the red lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They’d seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
If he was from the House of Lords.

I saw a film today, oh boy
The English army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book
I’d love to turn you on.

Woke up, fell out of bed,
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup,
And looking up I noticed I was late.

Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream.

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
I’d love to turn you on.


Okay. I’ll tell you what happens everyday. But I’m gonna warn you, it’s boring.

Today, I woke up around 6:30pm. I did some chores, woke boyfriend around 7:30pm. We ate. Helped boyfie prep for the day, then he left for work around 9pm.

I started checking my writers’ submissions. I read them, checked them for grammar errors and edited them. I do all this while browsing Facebook and talking to some friends who’re still awake. Once those friends fall asleep or just stop replying, I take out my planner/journal and write about my thoughts. Then, I open my blog and try to come up with words. Sometimes, I also try to add word count to my WIPs.

I respond to my clients, and check for new requests.

When all is done, I open Netflix and just chill until he comes home around 7am in the morning. Face With Tears of Joy on EmojiOne 3.0

Blog 7/52 Smiles and the Resting Bitch Face

Quick question. Is there a cure for the RBF? No? Okay.

I’m just gonna put this out there. I’m quite a cheerful person. I could seriously laugh at anything, to the point of people thinking I’m weird. At one point, a friend of my boyfriend said, “Hala ka? You’re laughing like a lunatic.”

post-47206-natalie-dormer-smile-gif-imgur-atxl

Back in high school, I’ve always been branded as a snob. Which I don’t understand. Because I try to be as cheerful as possible. Smile at people (read: acquaintances) I pass at the hallways. Laugh at almost any joke thrown at me. So why was I labeled as a snob?

Come 2016. (Yes. I only found out about the resting bitch face, last year. Poor me.)

I was scrolling through 9gag and came across a post discussing RBF. *light bulb moment* That was when I connected all the dots about “Resting Bitch Face”.

After studying my face in the mirror. I realized that my smile, wasn’t even a smile. My smile looks like a poker face. And my resting face looks like I’m planning to murder someone. So memories of all the times I smiled at someone, looking directly at their eyes, flooded my mind in a series of flashbacks. *cringe* They must have thought I was creepy for looking them straight in the eyes, yet with a poker face. *face desk and cringing some more*

It became clear why my boyfriend always tells me that I am mad all the time, when I know I’m not. The reason why my classmates have always thought I was snobbish. (Also probably why I don’t have friends.)

closed-mouth-smile1
Like this.

So to solve my RBF issue, whenever I see pass an acquaintance in the streets, I squint my eyes and smile in an overly enthusiastic manner, but with a closed mouth. Just so that I am sure I am smiling.

 

tumblr_inline_mpcf4nn1ef1qz4rgp
Kinda like this. 

 

And when I realize my face is resting, I try to smile the normal smile which would equal to poker face.

 

It’s really exhausting, to be honest. Not being able to be myself, and just let my face go. Just so people around me would find me approachable. Although, I think it’s too late to try to solve it.

How do you deal with resting bitch face? Tell me in the comments? 🙂

 

 

xoxo,
imageedit_2_8296382009

Blog 6/52 Getting Stuck in Traffic

Traffic in the Philippines is one of the hellish things you can experience. It doesn’t happen every time but when you encounter traffic from hell, four kilometers (2.5 miles) can take you hours. Is that just great? Pedestrians could beat you to your destination.

Even though it doesn’t seem like a big deal, it is to me. I don’t like being stuck in traffic, unless I have someone to talk to, or distract myself with. I feel claustrophobic. Since this is a humid country, getting stuck in traffic only means I have to keep my feet where they are for hours I can’t even stretch, feeling my sweat pool somewhere unreachable and knowing I’m all sticky. (This may be solved by getting a cab or my own car, but not everyone has money to spend, ya know?)

The traffic is actually one of the reasons I am working from home and why I rarely go out. I don’t go out unless I really need to. And it’s also because I fall asleep. Imagine me napping, with my mouth open and snoring in public transit. Yup. That’s me. And so I try to lessen my chances of doing that in public.

Have I mentioned that it’s very humid right now? The summer season has come and get very sweaty. Beads of sweat dripping from my face and my armpits. Not a pretty sight.

Not sure how to help solve the problem though. Reduce private cars? Create more roads? Oohh, I know. Let’s all become online workers! Jk.

What do you do when stuck in traffic?

Here’s some ideas on how to be productive when stuck in traffic.

  1. Do your assignments/homework. Unless, of course, you need several books and a calculator, then don’t. This only applies to those assignments that requires a pencil and notebook/pad. I did this when I was a student. I did my homework, while on the train home.
  2. Read a physical book. I’m making it clear that you should not do this with a phone or tablet. This is especially appropriate when you’re taking a public vehicle. It doesn’t only endanger you but those around you. It’s like you’re trying to attract snatchers and other bad elements. So I repeat, read a physical book. Like your notes, or a paperback. I used to see students reviewing their notes while on a jeep.
  3. Observe. Okay, this doesn’t mean you have to be nosy. Don’t read someone else’s phone. That’s inappropriate. I meant observing people so you’re alert and very much aware of what’s happening around you. Notice people faces, the people beside you. It’s also a way of keeping yourself safe as you’ll be ready if anything happens.

How about you? What do you think of getting stuck in traffic?

xoxo,
imageedit_2_8296382009

Challenge Fails

Just a quarter of the year and I have already failed on almost all the challenges I took.

I haven’t finished any book yet (for the 52-books in 52 weeks challenge).

I haven’t blogged weekly (in accordance to the 2017 weekly blogging challenge).

I haven’t added anything substantial to my WIP (work-in-progress).

I basically failed on every single aspect of my writing goals. I’ve been journaling but it’s just not the same.

Oh, well. They say acknowledging the mistake is the first step.

All I can do is get back up and move forward.