Blog 28/52 Another Crossroad

As I approach my 25th year (turned 24 last June but you know “technically” I’m getting there), I feel like I have hit a point in my life where everything just stops. And there’s a crossroad.

Two years ago, I was repeatedly asking life to just pause. And in a way, it did. However, I realized that pausing my life didn’t do me good. I still didn’t get the rest I need. I didn’t really pause. I was still working. I was still feeling guilty every time I try to do something recreational. I still feel like I should be doing something to earn or to improve my skills.

While my friends are out partying or just going with their friends, I was at home. Either doing chores, browsing social media, reading a book or streaming a TV show. I mean, I kind of enjoyed doing those, but whenever “people” tell me I should go out, I begin to doubt myself. I start to think that maybe I’m wasting my life.

But the thing is, I actually don’t like going out. It’s starting to irritate me as I feel like I HAVE TO go out. When in actuality, I really didn’t want to. They make me doubt the things I do. Am I wasting my life if I don’t go out with friends? Is it wrong to just stay home where there’s a soft bed, cuddly pillows and a fuzzy blanket?

I recently started following a page about being unbusy. It promotes unplugging and taking time to just be. However, I’m still uncertain if I agree with everything, especially the part where they say I must go experience nature. I mean I like nature — the stars, the smell of fresh air, those kinda things — but I don’t exactly love camping in the woods. I have lived almost my whole life with trees and plants and mosquitos. No, thank you.

Then comes the part where I realize I don’t need to listen to anyone. I don’t have to follow anyone’s advice. That I can just be myself and do what I enjoy. But what if the things I enjoy doesn’t make me “improve” myself? Should I continue being myself or should I follow others’ advice?

Dammit. Life is so complicated.

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I Shouldn’t Have Met You (a poem)

I used to seek approval for everything I do
But I was a loner nonetheless.
Then I met you.
My life changed, I confess.

Your presence and care, I craved.
You’ve made me want a piece of your soul.
Only some of it, you gave.
But somehow, you have made me whole.

Then you left.
I was broken.
Your promise unkept.
You’re never to be seen again.

I shouldn’t have met you.
I should have bid you adieu.
I should have guarded my heart, too.
I shouldn’t have met you.

©Cari

Blog 27/52 Social Anxiety and Depression

I am afraid.

They don’t see it. But I find it hard to face people. At times, I don’t even want to face me.

It’s easy to say that I should go out and have fun. It’s easy to say that whatever I feel can be solved by being healthy and exercising, and going out. But the problem is, I don’t want to?

It’s funny. At times, I don’t even believe myself. I think I’m a fraud. I think maybe I’m just faking this. Maybe I’m just pretending to feel this way. I’m just joining the bandwagon that is social anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s the FOMO talking. You know, ‘coz it’s mainstream right now.

What if?

Story time!

So I was browsing through my Facebook feed and came across a highlights video of the controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. I am telling you, it was so heavy. I am upset and I feel stressed. I feel like a cotton ball absorbing all the things I saw. I feel so down? This incident only confirms my decision not to watch the show. It has nothing to do with the quality of the show. I’m sure it’s good. It’s so good, I’m affected even just by watching a short highlights video.

I know something is wrong with me. But I’m afraid to know exactly what.

Guilty Pleasure

Guilty pleasure.
That’s what you are.
You’re something I treasure,
You’re mine from afar.

Guilty pleasure.
The depth of my love
no one can measure,
but the god above.

Guilty pleasure.
Your eyes as bright as the moon,
Your lips as soft as feather,
In my life you’re a boon.

©Cari

Blog 26/52 Winter is Coming

Game of Thrones is just

around the corner.

Winter has finally came,

the long wait over.

Snow will finally find out

Wylla’s not his mother.

We’ll finally see if the gentle giant

actually became a white walker.

I have a feeling the snow will finally melt.

His life will be taken by the other.

It was on the teaser, from the lips

of ned’s oldest daughter.

 

Blog 25/52 Strength

Strength.
To go on.
To move on.
To live life like nothing’s wrong.

Waking up in the morning
Already feeling down
Left the house frowning
Feeling alone in a happy town.

Sipping my coffee,
biting my bread.
Riddled with anxiety,
Starting the day with dread.

Tell me, please.
How do you go on with life
Living it with ease
As if evil isn’t rife?

Cari ©

Blog 24/52 My Online Community

Following a breakdown, I felt like I needed some people to talk to and to help me with stuff I wanna achieve. Hence the start of my journey in finding my online community.

I’ve joined some communities that have really helped me reach some of my goals as well as helped me virtually find some good friends.

1. WordPress Blogging Community

 

I found great bloggers here, (particularly @anisakazemi from iaccidentlyatethewholething.com) and seeing their posts inspires me to write more blogs and explore more topics. ❤️

2. NaNoWriMoCampNanoWriMo

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I’ve always wanted to write a fantasy book. Thanks to NaNoWriMo, I’m now on the process of doing so.

Now, while I wait for November 2017, Camp NaNoWriMo is here to save me.

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3. 10 Minute Novelists

I found this Facebook group by accident, but I found some writer friends there (albeit online). I feel happy to have found good souls even from across the globe. I’ve learned here that when you want to write, even 10 minutes is enough.

4. 365 Writing Club

This community is a subgroup of the 10MN. They help me stay on track and try my best to write daily.

I earned last month’s badge for hitting my monthly quota.

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It’s a small thing but being rewarded (even though it’s just a badge) for writing a certain number of words excites me.

I virtually met a few cool people here, too.

5. Online Filipino Freelancers

This community had been a great help when I was starting as an online freelancer. Although our views about things weren’t always on the same page, I’ve learned a lot from the members and I’m very thankful.

6. Fandom pages over Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Since joining these fandom communities, I felt like the real me was freed. I was able to fangirl freely. I didn’t have to hold back because I knew there were other people like me who loves the characters/show/movie/book and understands the need to post/rant about them regularly.

I’ve yet to meet enough people online to fill my online friend capacity. I like that meeting people can now be done at home, or anywhere really. Finding kindred souls is easier now and I dare you to go find people who likes the sames things you do!

#TeamInternet