They don’t see it. But I find it hard to face people. At times, I don’t even want to face me.
It’s easy to say that I should go out and have fun. It’s easy to say that whatever I feel can be solved by being healthy and exercising, and going out. But the problem is, I don’t want to?
It’s funny. At times, I don’t even believe myself. I think I’m a fraud. I think maybe I’m just faking this. Maybe I’m just pretending to feel this way. I’m just joining the bandwagon that is social anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s the FOMO talking. You know, ‘coz it’s mainstream right now.
So I was browsing through my Facebook feed and came across a highlights video of the controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. I am telling you, it was so heavy. I am upset and I feel stressed. I feel like a cotton ball absorbing all the things I saw. I feel so down? This incident only confirms my decision not to watch the show. It has nothing to do with the quality of the show. I’m sure it’s good. It’s so good, I’m affected even just by watching a short highlights video.
I know something is wrong with me. But I’m afraid to know exactly what.
Have you ever felt like you wanna pause everything and just breathe? Like you wanna pause time so you can finally relax from your job and just sleep in? I do.
However, it’s a feeling that I can’t shake. No matter how many rest days I take. I still feel tired of living and pretending to be okay.
I feel like the 24 hours isn’t enough for me to finish everything I need to. I feel tired physically and emotionally. I feel like everyone hates me or at least, dislikes me. I know it doesn’t matter as I will never please everyone, but the hollow pit is there. A dark void consuming all joy and happiness and hope.
I just wanna cry all day. People cry for release and relief, yet whenever I do it, I just feel more tired and more burdened.
I am not sure if this is depression, but I feel something is wrong. I am working on solving this personal problem. If you feel this too, ask for help. Not everyone will help you, some will dismiss your cry for help; some will advise you without any background knowledge about your issues; but keep on trying. I know there is hope. I haven’t found it, but I can feel it’s there, in a corner somewhere, waiting for me to pick it up.
Depression or not, you deserve to find happiness. Continue crying for help. Eventually, someone will reach out and help you.
I am currently trying out 7 cups. It’s this online community where other users will help you get over your depression, anxiety or just plain emotion management. You can talk to some users when you’re feeling lonely. It’s basically just an online pick-me-upper. I really can’t say if it’s working since I have only talked to one person and even if that person made me forget my issues at that moment and made me laugh, the conversation didn’t help me about it at all. Of course, he isn’t a professional so I couldn’t blame him.
Just this morning, I tried an exercise where I was asked to close my eyes and just be aware of my breathing. How it anchors me to my surroundings. It made me aware about just living.
Being aware of my breathing made me feel light. And I have to say, it made me feel refreshed. I can’t explain but I can try. I guess it’s this feeling of abandoning my problems and just letting the world and my surroundings engulf me and show me how small I am and how my problems are even smaller. I was aware of all the sounds around me. I was shown how big the world is. That the world doesn’t stop with just my line of sight.
My life might be hard and difficult but who said I need to overcome it? Have you ever heard of the story of the Unmovable Rock?
Once upon a time, there was a man who was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man He had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might.
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture placing thoughts into the man’s mind such as: “You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn’t budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it.” Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. “Why kill myself over this?” he thought. “I’ll just put in my time, giving just the minimum of effort and that will be good enough.” And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
“Lord,” he said, “I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?” To this the Lord responded compassionately, “My child, when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push.
And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewed and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition, you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. I, my child, will now move the rock.“
There are times that I forget that I don’t have to move this bloody rock of a life. I just need to keep going. My task was to keep pushing. The universe will do its will anyway, right?
Let us enjoy life and keep pushing. We should experience it and live with love and laughter and tears. It will be hard not to try to toil and you can do so, if you choose to. Just make sure you don’t give up. Life is too precious not to experience.
How about you? Are you tired of pushing? Do you feel like giving up? Share on the comments how you dealt/are dealing with it. Spread the love. ♥