Life in General: An Update

I have not written for a long time, but I should say that I have tried. It is also worth mentioning that I have focused some of my attention to Instagram-ing some short-lived projects.

I have tried taking online classes about topics I think will help my WIP.

 Trying to learn more about magic so I can write better fantasy. 🦄🦄🦄

I’ve tried learning Korean but I’ve stopped for a while. 😁 It’s hard. 😫😭

Ending (or technically, starting) the year learning Korean. I’m still slow in reading and speaking but hey that’s okay. #donenotperfect Trying to fit one more goal before the year ends lol✌🏼 #onlinelearning #hangeul #koreanlanguageclass @jrxxmh Sabayan mo ko.

I’ve tried jewelry making but I am currently lacking materials. I’ll go back to that before the year ends. This is a pair of earring I made for a friend’s birthday.

I have been bullet journaling (of which I take some pictures and post them on IG).

I’ve done some calligraphy and used it on my bujo.

OMG this #calligraphy #lettering for next week’s #bujoweeklyspread didn’t make me cringe! 🙈💕 yaaaassss #bulletjournal #bulletjournaling #bujogirl #blackandwhitebujo #minimalistbulletjournal

I’m happy to say that I think I have improved (at least with the pictures I take for IG 😁)


Sooo…

I’ll be turning 25 soon. Like in a few days.

And it’s amazing how much I’ve learned about myself and about everything around me. It’s fun discovering something about myself with the help of another person. I’m grateful of all the people who are always there for me as well as those who have not been, as they have taught me life lessons too.

I may still be a bit sad inside but not so much anymore. I’m seeing a bit more happiness right now. But it could just be that it’s my birthday month.

I’m hoping that I could write more. Dance more. Create more. And hopefully I could update this blog more. And hopefully make it more personal? I’ve always had a hard time sharing my life and personal stuff because, you know, this is the internet. But maybe someday I’ll learn.

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Blog 28/52 Another Crossroad

As I approach my 25th year (turned 24 last June but you know “technically” I’m getting there), I feel like I have hit a point in my life where everything just stops. And there’s a crossroad.

Two years ago, I was repeatedly asking life to just pause. And in a way, it did. However, I realized that pausing my life didn’t do me good. I still didn’t get the rest I need. I didn’t really pause. I was still working. I was still feeling guilty every time I try to do something recreational. I still feel like I should be doing something to earn or to improve my skills.

While my friends are out partying or just going with their friends, I was at home. Either doing chores, browsing social media, reading a book or streaming a TV show. I mean, I kind of enjoyed doing those, but whenever “people” tell me I should go out, I begin to doubt myself. I start to think that maybe I’m wasting my life.

But the thing is, I actually don’t like going out. It’s starting to irritate me as I feel like I HAVE TO go out. When in actuality, I really didn’t want to. They make me doubt the things I do. Am I wasting my life if I don’t go out with friends? Is it wrong to just stay home where there’s a soft bed, cuddly pillows and a fuzzy blanket?

I recently started following a page about being unbusy. It promotes unplugging and taking time to just be. However, I’m still uncertain if I agree with everything, especially the part where they say I must go experience nature. I mean I like nature — the stars, the smell of fresh air, those kinda things — but I don’t exactly love camping in the woods. I have lived almost my whole life with trees and plants and mosquitos. No, thank you.

Then comes the part where I realize I don’t need to listen to anyone. I don’t have to follow anyone’s advice. That I can just be myself and do what I enjoy. But what if the things I enjoy doesn’t make me “improve” myself? Should I continue being myself or should I follow others’ advice?

Dammit. Life is so complicated.

Blog 27/52 Social Anxiety and Depression

I am afraid.

They don’t see it. But I find it hard to face people. At times, I don’t even want to face me.

It’s easy to say that I should go out and have fun. It’s easy to say that whatever I feel can be solved by being healthy and exercising, and going out. But the problem is, I don’t want to?

It’s funny. At times, I don’t even believe myself. I think I’m a fraud. I think maybe I’m just faking this. Maybe I’m just pretending to feel this way. I’m just joining the bandwagon that is social anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s the FOMO talking. You know, ‘coz it’s mainstream right now.

What if?

Story time!

So I was browsing through my Facebook feed and came across a highlights video of the controversial Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. I am telling you, it was so heavy. I am upset and I feel stressed. I feel like a cotton ball absorbing all the things I saw. I feel so down? This incident only confirms my decision not to watch the show. It has nothing to do with the quality of the show. I’m sure it’s good. It’s so good, I’m affected even just by watching a short highlights video.

I know something is wrong with me. But I’m afraid to know exactly what.

Blog 23/52 Favorite Characters

Whether it’s from a book, a show or a movie, I’m sure all of us have our own favorite characters.

Well, here’s some of them. Smiling Face With Smiling Eyes on Messenger 1.0

1. Sharpay Evans from High School Musical

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I have loved her since HS and I love her still. Her character was an antagonist but she was true to herself. When she wants something, she goes and gets it. I should just say this straight up, but I’m more attracted to antagonists or at least, not the typical girl-next-door protagonists and hero/heroine. I love that she can sing and have you seen her wardrobe? She fabulous. Winking Face on Twitter Twemoji 2.3

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I love that at the end of the movies, or at least the second one, she was able to care about other people than herself and Troy Bolton.

2. Petyr Baelish/Littlefinger from Game of Thrones

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I know he’s a bit of a psychopath and creepy AF but I really like how manipulative he is. He was able to manipulate people just by being in the know.

Also, actor Aiden Gillen is #daddy so… ♥

3. Paris Geller from Gilmore Girls

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Her character was so relatable, at least for me. She tries to be perfect and is perfect in her own way. She’s hilarious when she fails and her character’s so adorable. She’s one of those bitches whom you just can’t hate coz she’s so funny to watch.

4. Santana Lopez from Glee

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Her character is really just a straight up bitch but she’s just doesn’t give a crap and knows she’s beautiful. Love her singing voice, too! Naya Rivera’s portrayal is just perfect.

5. Lilly Truscott from Hannah Montana

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Being Miley’s best friend, it’s actually expected to have her as a very loyal friend. But I love the fact that she isn’t afraid to show how crazy she is and how far she’ll go for her BFF. She’s clumsy and impulsive, too, which I can very relate to.

 

Blog 19/52 Weekends

It’s so ironic that I felt stuck writing with this certain prompt: Weekends.

It’s ironic to spend so many weekends crying about how much I can’t think of anything interesting to write about this specific keyword.

Those weekends I could have spent writing about other things…

Those weekends I could have used to write about the other days of the week…

Those weekends where I stared at a blank page, trying to come up with something and end up just sleeping…

Those days I kept on postponing because I can’t makemyself write anything…

Ironic.

Flashbacks and Panic Attacks [100th post]

The last time I had a panic attack, it was the first time it had felt that intense. I was literally doing a facedesk. I was afraid of what I was doing yet I can’t stop myself from doing so. It’s like I had an out-of-body experience. It was unnerving. I was bawling my eyes out and was very afraid of what I might do.

I wanted to share about it immediately after it happened, but I felt like this kind of things are taboo. That if I tell people, friends and family, that I’m experiencing this, they’ll think I’m crazy or that I’m making it up. I feel like they will tell me to tough it up and just not think about it. Thinking about it now, it seems like just paranoia.

To be honest, I don’t know what is happening. I’m not sure what to think about it. At one point, I was asking myself if I was faking it. On the other hand, I knew I didn’t. Then, earlier today, I was talking to my cousin and I just became very emotional and cried. #WTFisWrongWithMe

Then, I just felt very detached and I just wanted to lie down and cry and eat. I mean, is this PMS?

 

Blog 10/52 Speaking of Kids

So my grandma told me I should have babies soon so that she’ll still be alive to see her great-grandkids. Like it’s that easy. Like I don’t have things to consider before making that big decision. Like it was her call to decide when I should be making babies. I’m not mad at her or anything, (I love her.) I’m just disappointed that she thought it was her call. She said I was being selfish for not sharing this part of my life with them (Read: for not obeying their advice). (My “wedding” plans are another story.)

So I just wanted to share these. Maybe it’ll help people in understanding. These are some of the reasons why I don’t want to have kids yet.

1. I don’t think my partner and I are ready financially.

Having a kid is a great responsibility. I don’t want it to be an accident. I want to want it when they come into my life. I want to tell my partner without hesitation. I want to be ready and I want to give my future kids the things and opportunities I didn’t have as a kid. My mom raised me to be a very calculative of the things I do, and I think this is one of the things that I really have to be calculative about.

My partner and I wanted to have enough money saved before going that direction. We don’t want to get loans and drown in debt just because we didn’t plan things.

2. I am not sure if I’m mentally stable to handle kids.

My younger cousins know this (I’m an only child.), I always tell them to shut up when I’m not in the mood to listen to them babble. I told them that when I am ready for them, I will talk to them.

However, even if this worked on them, I don’t think it’ll work on a toddler, much less a crying baby. I can’t tell my crying baby to “shut up, I’m trying to sleep. ”

And in response to this, people always tell me, “You only say that because you aren’t a mom yet. When you have kids, you’ll change.” And I’m like FU, you don’t know that. You don’t know me. I have the right to be afraid and you can’t just disregard my fear. I know I’m not ready AND I WILL HAVE BABIES WHEN I’M READY!

3. I’m afraid to give birth.

Another reason I’m afraid is because I’m afraid of my vagina tearing. Upon doing some “research”, the vagina “technically” tears (or is cut by the doctor) when a woman gives birth. I’m afraid of that. If my dysmenorrhea taught me something, it’s that that kind of pain is so great, I might pass out.

And you know, just the thought of my skin tearing? Or being cut? And sewn back? *cringe*

4. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

Having kids is such a huge responsibility, I don’t think I’ll ever do it. But, you know, maybe I will. I like how cute kids are, especially the babies and the toddlers. But it’s different when it’s not yours. When it starts crying you can give it back to the parents. You aren’t the one needing to wake up in the middle of the night to shush and rock it back to sleep.

And in my opinion, a person can’t turn back from being an adult the moment she has a kid. And I am not very good at adulting. I mean, I try. but I’m not sure that’s enough to get an A+ in Adulting 101.

Do you think the same? Tell me in the comments?

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Blog 8/52 A Day in the Life

According to Wikipedia, “A Day in the Life” is a song by the English band, Beatles.

Here’s the lyrics:

I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph.

He blew his mind out in a car
He didn’t notice that the red lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They’d seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
If he was from the House of Lords.

I saw a film today, oh boy
The English army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book
I’d love to turn you on.

Woke up, fell out of bed,
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup,
And looking up I noticed I was late.

Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream.

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
I’d love to turn you on.


Okay. I’ll tell you what happens everyday. But I’m gonna warn you, it’s boring.

Today, I woke up around 6:30pm. I did some chores, woke boyfriend around 7:30pm. We ate. Helped boyfie prep for the day, then he left for work around 9pm.

I started checking my writers’ submissions. I read them, checked them for grammar errors and edited them. I do all this while browsing Facebook and talking to some friends who’re still awake. Once those friends fall asleep or just stop replying, I take out my planner/journal and write about my thoughts. Then, I open my blog and try to come up with words. Sometimes, I also try to add word count to my WIPs.

I respond to my clients, and check for new requests.

When all is done, I open Netflix and just chill until he comes home around 7am in the morning. Face With Tears of Joy on EmojiOne 3.0

Blog 5/52 confessions of a freelancer

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Okay. So I just reconnected with an old friend. It was her birthday yesterday and after I greeted her, we talked for a while. (Also, note that I’m very happy I have her back in my friends list. 😊 Okay, long story.)

When she asked why I am working from home, I started to freak the f*ck out and threw lame excuses. I know I shouldn’t do that, but yet I did. It made me question everything again. (that’s proof of a healthy friendship though 😆 IMO)

So I talked to boyfie and asked for his help in dealing with all these feelings and doubts.

Only then did I realize that I love where I’m at right now. And that there’s nothing wrong with working from home.

And boyfie was right, too.

If I can’t accept that I really do have a job, then no one will acknowledge that I actually have a job.

You see, I’m a freelance writer/editor. People don’t see that as common so they probably think I’m a bum.

Whenever family/relatives and friends ask about my work, it makes me feel small. Like what I do isn’t legit.  I work from home, whenever I want. (Okay, maybe not. But I can definitely do it on my own time.) I get to watch YouTube videos, eat while I work, or pause and sleep when I feel like it. And the thing is, I think people has convinced me that I am doing nothing with my life. It makes me feel that I am a bum.

Whenever relatives ask why I won’t go back to teaching, I keep telling them that I don’t feel happy as a school teacher. They don’t understand. They think I’m wasting my degree and my license.

Maybe I am.

I love literature and grammar but I just am not that passionate with teaching right now. I can’t deal with kids all running about wanting to do everything else but sit on those desks. (I know there’s principles and strategies to work around that but I just can’t deal ok?)

So after having a great talk with boyfie, I realized that I am happy this way. Where I am not stressed with shitty co-workers or traffic or heat.

I also realized that just because I feel anxious or lonely, doesn’t mean something is wrong and that I have to change. I may experience some problems but that doesn’t mean I’m doomed. 

I guess I just needed to write about this so I can go back to it when I go back to doubting my job lol

My goal is to be able to work from home so that I can be with family. And I am on that path right now. So I’m good.

If you can relate to this, just remember that as long as what you’re doing leads to your goal, then you’re doing great. Repeat these words to yourself (Read: Mantra).

IF YOU’RE HAPPY, YOU’RE DOING GOOD.

Blog 3/52 Where do I spend my money?

(Week 3 of 52 Week Blogging Challenge)

When I was still a student, I spend most of my money on art supplies and stationeries. You won’t believe how many pens and actually stationery paper (plus matching envelopes) I have. I also have memo pads and notebooks that I don’t write on. I just buy them because they’re pretty.

When I started working (and eventually moving out), I lost almost all of my free time. So I spend my money on food and bills and rent. I basically became an adult. 😭😭😭

Right now, my money goes mostly to groceries, bills, rent and the occasional kitchen tools. 🤦 This is how I knew I was growing OLD. Because I’m starting to enjoy investing in products that’ll be used in the house. I’m only 23 years old but I’m in love in shopping at dollar stores and at the kitchen/home section of department stores.

Of course, I also spend some on beauty products. ♥
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I just realized I should be buying more stuff for my hobbies. lol I guess it isn’t too late to start again.